Los Angeles 101: Hollywood

I think a lot of people get the wrong idea about LA. I really think it has a lot to do with shows like The Hills, Sunset Tan, etc. You have to remember that these shows are about transplants, people who moved here, typically to pursue careers in entertainment. I hope the term doesn't offend, because I use it liberally. It is what it is.

I don't know any Los Angeles natives who are crazy about Hollywood. Going to H-Wood, My House or whatever Hollywood club that was most recently featured in The Hills, if anything, is considered lame. I think the “cool” LA kids like to think they are anti-scene (think: hipster). Which is ironic, because you’re buying a $500 shirt at Fred Segal to make yourself look like a bum.

…but I digress
I’m not saying that I NEVER go out in Hollywood. Sometimes a friend convinces me to come out, with a promise of good music and no waiting/drama at the door. Once inside, I usually find that the majority of party-goers are not from LA. Mostly, they’re transplants trying to meet somebody of importance or chasing the scene. There might be a small window of coolness before the club blows up, but it’s a fine line between being in the know and just being lame.

Here’s the cycle:

Stage 1: Pre-Blow Up
Your friend, who is Ryan Gosling’s agent’s first assistant’s assistant, mentions that he might be DJing there mid-week (yes, using the Green Door example). You’re a little sketch on going, because you’ve never even heard of the place, plus it’s a week night. If you’re the type of person who prides themselves on being a trendy party-goer, GO NOW. Because, pretty soon…

Stage 2: Hot Spot
Your friend was right, and Ryan Gosling DJs. Within the hour, it’s all over TMZ, Perez and PopSugar. The club blows up overnight, and now you’re reading about “celebrities” (quotes imply reality TV stars and untalented party girls with famous parents) frequenting. It’s already too late, because to get in you’ll either

1) Act and dress slutty at the door with a gaggle of your hottest girlfriends. Once you’re inside, nobody of any importance will take you seriously because you’re clearly a transplant-wannabe-piece of meat, OR
2) Act and dress slutty and affix yourself to some guy(s) who is insecure enough that he’ll buy two bottles of generic vodka for $400 apiece, just so that he can say he partied at said spot. And then you’ll be stuck with his lame ass all night, OR
3) Have legitimate connections/cred and get in with ease.

If you succeed with #1 or #2, you’ll feel cheap for having basically bartered yourself for faux cool. If you fail, you will become depressed about not being hot enough to cut it in this city. If #3, you know what you’re doing, in which case you’re reading this for amusement, and not because you want my perspective.

Stage 3: Hollywood Trash Can
At this point, the club/bar/lounge has outlived its hype and is on the decline. The Hollywood Trash – cheaper, newer to the city, less connected – frequent the spot. If you’re a decent looking girl showing at least a little skin, you’ll get in. Once in, you’ll have to battle swarms of orange-hued girls in knockoff Herve Leger bandage dresses (or worse, the 2006-era sack dress/tunic), only to be hit on by spiky haired douchebags in Ed Hardy or tight t-shirts printed with any of the following: tattoo motifs, fleur de lys, angel wings, crosses.

So, in summary, if you want to be one of the “cool kids” in LA, don’t frequent those spots that you think are happening or trendy. They’re probably not.