In the second part of this survey, we will explore the “middle class” of the Los Angeles male dating pool.
Industry Up-And-Comer: The Up-And-Comer is a career-bound Angeleno – usually motivated, sometimes smart, never humble. Due to a lack of connections (an unfortunate condition that may result from circumstances of birth or recent supplanting) this individual will actually have to work for a living. However, in a city where walking Ari Emanuel’s dog makes you somebody, even a mailroom gig at William Morris is enough to elevate said individual to the middle of the dating pool. Anticipate much name-dropping.
Transplant Gone Native: In a city that rewards the strong, beautiful and vacuous, there is a shelf life for all transplants with any degree of self respect (those lacking continue to wait tables for all eternity). The Transplant Gone Native is either hot, talented, or just outright lucky enough to justify sticking around in Los Angeles, while his peers scuttle back to Topeka with tucked tail. Emboldened by budding connections within the industry and at the door of Stage 2-3 Hollywood nightclubs, the one time fresh-faced transplant will emerge from his chrysalis… an asshole.
Nerd In Limbo: The Nerd In Limbo, despite having neglected to develop any semblance of social skills or sense of style, is an individual starting to show dating potential, usually due to a guarantee of personal success. Although he lacks the attractiveness, coolness and buzzing social schedule that would land him in the top tier, the nerd should not be overlooked as a prospect, as he will be a catch… when he’s 40. In some cases, the Nerd In Limbo may even be borne of good connections, but his lack of social navigation will obstruct his background from plain sight. Hiking sandals, North Face and discreet, frameless glasses (which are the new nerd glasses, because nerd classes are the new cool glasses) may be worth enduring if you can appreciate a long-term investment.
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
LA Guy Varietals: Part 1
Los Angeles is a melting pot, so I can pretty much guarantee you’ll encounter a dizzying assortment of guys if you go about dating with an open mind (and if you’re attractive enough to get a date in this city).
For Part 1 of this survey, I will be covering the upper-crusty native varietals.
Industry Spawn: These are the sons of major industry players – agents, directors, producers, managers, celebrities. Usually Jewish. Although borne of the same background, Industry Spawn and Hipsters differ in that the former have embraced their industry connections, which the latter reject. While Industry Spawn have inherited strong work ethic, they have also inherited the cutthroat gene that have made their parents successful in the industry. If you can stand being around assholes, dating Industry Spawn can be an effective strategy – between his drive and connections, he is pretty much guaranteed success. And if not, date his father, who’s divorced anyway.
Hipsters: Although we’ve covered hipsters in previous posts, there are a few things worth noting about the male hipster:
1) He will be a manorexic, so if you like a meaty guy, he is not for you.
2) He will “work” in some sort of independent art genre, which will not generate any tangible cash flow. But, not to fret! He will be able to feed (well, maybe not feed – shelter, clothe, entertain) you because despite his anti-mainstream façade, he comes from money.
3) He will be more of a girl than you. Before proceeding with the Hipster, take some time to reflect on whether you’re comfortable with your friends’ constant questioning of his heterosexuality.
Rich Stoner: One amazing thing about Los Angeles is its geography – one can surf, snowboard and skate, all in the same day. Because the city is so conducive to board sports, it’s only natural that there is a sizable stoner population (boards are to weed as chocolate is to peanut butter). The quintessential stoner will live near a surf break (Malibu, Palisades, Venice) and partake in all three aforementioned sports. If living in Venice, there is a good chance that he will have converted his residence into an indoor farming facility. Even more so than Industry Spawn or Hipsters, the Rich Stoner is most likely to live off of Mommy and Daddy. Of course, you can have a Rich Stoner minus the board sports, but they will be less cool and less toned (munchies). Also, the alternative non-boarding Rich Stoner may inhabit non-coastal areas of Los Angeles in an effort to hide his stoniness, but the lack of actual employment and perpetually bloodshot eyes will be a dead giveaway.
Between all three upper crust-y native varietals, Industry Spawn has the highest probability of personal success and is therefore the most eligible. Of course, there is a chance that the Hipster could be the next Andy Warhol, but let’s be honest – the likelihood of him turning his scribbles or trash bag couture (derelict!) into a cash cow just isn’t that promising. As for Rich Stoner, if he was going to be the next Chad Muska/Shaun White/Kelly Slater, it would’ve already happened by now. However, by latching onto any one of the above well-connected, well-funded varietals, you can count on being comfortable.
For Part 1 of this survey, I will be covering the upper-crusty native varietals.
Industry Spawn: These are the sons of major industry players – agents, directors, producers, managers, celebrities. Usually Jewish. Although borne of the same background, Industry Spawn and Hipsters differ in that the former have embraced their industry connections, which the latter reject. While Industry Spawn have inherited strong work ethic, they have also inherited the cutthroat gene that have made their parents successful in the industry. If you can stand being around assholes, dating Industry Spawn can be an effective strategy – between his drive and connections, he is pretty much guaranteed success. And if not, date his father, who’s divorced anyway.
Hipsters: Although we’ve covered hipsters in previous posts, there are a few things worth noting about the male hipster:
1) He will be a manorexic, so if you like a meaty guy, he is not for you.
2) He will “work” in some sort of independent art genre, which will not generate any tangible cash flow. But, not to fret! He will be able to feed (well, maybe not feed – shelter, clothe, entertain) you because despite his anti-mainstream façade, he comes from money.
3) He will be more of a girl than you. Before proceeding with the Hipster, take some time to reflect on whether you’re comfortable with your friends’ constant questioning of his heterosexuality.
Rich Stoner: One amazing thing about Los Angeles is its geography – one can surf, snowboard and skate, all in the same day. Because the city is so conducive to board sports, it’s only natural that there is a sizable stoner population (boards are to weed as chocolate is to peanut butter). The quintessential stoner will live near a surf break (Malibu, Palisades, Venice) and partake in all three aforementioned sports. If living in Venice, there is a good chance that he will have converted his residence into an indoor farming facility. Even more so than Industry Spawn or Hipsters, the Rich Stoner is most likely to live off of Mommy and Daddy. Of course, you can have a Rich Stoner minus the board sports, but they will be less cool and less toned (munchies). Also, the alternative non-boarding Rich Stoner may inhabit non-coastal areas of Los Angeles in an effort to hide his stoniness, but the lack of actual employment and perpetually bloodshot eyes will be a dead giveaway.
Between all three upper crust-y native varietals, Industry Spawn has the highest probability of personal success and is therefore the most eligible. Of course, there is a chance that the Hipster could be the next Andy Warhol, but let’s be honest – the likelihood of him turning his scribbles or trash bag couture (derelict!) into a cash cow just isn’t that promising. As for Rich Stoner, if he was going to be the next Chad Muska/Shaun White/Kelly Slater, it would’ve already happened by now. However, by latching onto any one of the above well-connected, well-funded varietals, you can count on being comfortable.
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