Los Angeles is a melting pot, so I can pretty much guarantee you’ll encounter a dizzying assortment of guys if you go about dating with an open mind (and if you’re attractive enough to get a date in this city).
For Part 1 of this survey, I will be covering the upper-crusty native varietals.
Industry Spawn: These are the sons of major industry players – agents, directors, producers, managers, celebrities. Usually Jewish. Although borne of the same background, Industry Spawn and Hipsters differ in that the former have embraced their industry connections, which the latter reject. While Industry Spawn have inherited strong work ethic, they have also inherited the cutthroat gene that have made their parents successful in the industry. If you can stand being around assholes, dating Industry Spawn can be an effective strategy – between his drive and connections, he is pretty much guaranteed success. And if not, date his father, who’s divorced anyway.
Hipsters: Although we’ve covered hipsters in previous posts, there are a few things worth noting about the male hipster:
1) He will be a manorexic, so if you like a meaty guy, he is not for you.
2) He will “work” in some sort of independent art genre, which will not generate any tangible cash flow. But, not to fret! He will be able to feed (well, maybe not feed – shelter, clothe, entertain) you because despite his anti-mainstream façade, he comes from money.
3) He will be more of a girl than you. Before proceeding with the Hipster, take some time to reflect on whether you’re comfortable with your friends’ constant questioning of his heterosexuality.
Rich Stoner: One amazing thing about Los Angeles is its geography – one can surf, snowboard and skate, all in the same day. Because the city is so conducive to board sports, it’s only natural that there is a sizable stoner population (boards are to weed as chocolate is to peanut butter). The quintessential stoner will live near a surf break (Malibu, Palisades, Venice) and partake in all three aforementioned sports. If living in Venice, there is a good chance that he will have converted his residence into an indoor farming facility. Even more so than Industry Spawn or Hipsters, the Rich Stoner is most likely to live off of Mommy and Daddy. Of course, you can have a Rich Stoner minus the board sports, but they will be less cool and less toned (munchies). Also, the alternative non-boarding Rich Stoner may inhabit non-coastal areas of Los Angeles in an effort to hide his stoniness, but the lack of actual employment and perpetually bloodshot eyes will be a dead giveaway.
Between all three upper crust-y native varietals, Industry Spawn has the highest probability of personal success and is therefore the most eligible. Of course, there is a chance that the Hipster could be the next Andy Warhol, but let’s be honest – the likelihood of him turning his scribbles or trash bag couture (derelict!) into a cash cow just isn’t that promising. As for Rich Stoner, if he was going to be the next Chad Muska/Shaun White/Kelly Slater, it would’ve already happened by now. However, by latching onto any one of the above well-connected, well-funded varietals, you can count on being comfortable.
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