LA Guy Varietals: Part 3

In Part 3, we will explore the chum of LA’s dating pool:

Valley Boy: New Jersey is to New York City as The Valley is to Los Angeles. This analogy extends to the male specimens that emerge from these respective regions. Valley Boys are easy to spot – hair is gelled, spiky or buzzed, and clothes are 1-3 years out of date. For example, a traditional Valley Boy may still be wearing Ed Hardy, while the progressive Valley Boy will have graduated to the ubiquitous and now-passe Buffalo Plaid pattern. Also worth noting: distance from Los Angeles/proximity to the other Valleys (Simi, Santa Clarita) corresponds to an increase in probability of dirt-bike-riding (which is actually kinda hot – shhhhhh). I should disclaim that there is some room for flexibility – there are select regions of Encino, Studio City and Burbank that allow its occupants to legitimately claim residence “in The Hills.” However, as with New Jersey, there is a stigma associated with this region of Los Angeles County. As a general rule, you will lose all credibility when your male accessory – no matter how hot – reveals that he was born and raised in Pacoima.

Bottle-Buyer: The Bottle-Buyer is a guy who is not connected and/or attractive enough to gain admission into a Hollywood nightclub without the type of “help” that comes in the form of a $400 bottle of Smirnoff. Sure, most guys in Los Angeles at some point will partake in this squandering ceremony. However, the Bottle-Buyer makes a practice of it, despite being in no position for financial imprudence. The bottle-buying is a self-medicating behavior to camouflage anxiety over one’s own physical and professional inadequacy. Studies reveal that the average bottle buyer earns a mean income of $28,000, half of which is allocated towards three dozen bottles of generic vodka yearly.

Recent Hollywood-Bound Transplant: The Recent Hollywood-Bound Transplant is not to be confused with the Recent Transplant, who has moved to Los Angeles sans any entertainment-related agenda. The former has moved here with the grand vision of becoming the next Zac Efron, likely accompanied by grand delusions of his own attractiveness and talent. We’ve discussed transplant characteristics in previous posts, so I will cut to the chase and state how this relates to you. If you’re a Los Angeles native, he is an opportunist looking to capitalize on your insider knowledge. If you’re a Recent Hollywood-Bound Transplant yourself, there’s nothing you can gain from dating one of your own kind.