Drink Guide

Since nightlife is an integral part of Los Angeles culture, you will sooner or later find yourself confronted with the question:

“Whatever shall I order to drink?”

Because potential suitors will be analyzing your behavior to determine your appropriate rung on the social totem pole, you must heed the following guidelines when visiting your watering hole of choice.

1. Mixed Drinks: The Los Angeles attitude can be neatly summed up by the phrase, “Looking like you’re not trying.” If you’re apt to order a drink because of its cool name, you must step up your nonchalant game or leave this city. When in Los Angeles (in fact, these titles are acceptable only in Las Vegas), do NOT order any of the following: Adios Motherfucker, Surfer on Acid, Screaming Orgasm. Laaaaame.

2. Ladies: Ordering a manly drink will intimidate the average Angeleno guy, who is in fact a girl. Nothing whisky based, no dark beers.

3. Liqueurs: Do not order anything containing liqueurs. This city doesn’t care how thin you already are; you can’t afford the calories.

4. Beer: If you are a certifiable Hipster, you may order a Pabst Blue Ribbon. If not, order the Corona+Lime. Why, you ask? It is common knowledge that PBR is the official beer of Hipsters. It is also common knowledge that PBR is just plain nasty. Therefore, the only logical reason to subject one’s palate to this particular crappy beer is the aspiration to Hipsterdom. If you’re not sure whether you qualify for PBR eligibility, don’t be a poser – order the Corona+Lime.

The Day Mary Kate Olsen Attacked By Fish

On Friday night, we were celebrating a friend’s birthday with dinner at a West Hollywood eatery.

Sometime around 11pm, a waify blonde and an only slightly less waify brunette sat in the booth behind us. By now the restaurant was fairly empty, and not much fuss was made because the blonde was an Olsen, of the Mary Kate variety.

(Note: An older frumpy lady at an adjacent table “peeped” in the most conspicuous manner possible by hiding behind a pillar and craning her neck to fully experience what was probably her first celebrity sighting. This is unacceptable behavior.)

Although somewhat intrigued by the presence of fashion’s proprietor of modern grunge, we were engrossed in our own conversation. Our conversations tend to run the gamut, and in addition to your typical girly topics such as fashion, nightlife, dating status reports and our new Star Trek heartthrob (Spock, not Kirk), we are apt to cover a number of obscure topics.

Tonight, we were discussing psychology – in particular, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Sociopathy. We were startled when Mary Kate slammed her fists into her table and yelled “SOCIOPATH!!!” (hey, we were discussing personality disorders, not Tourette’s), not to mention weirded out that she had been eavesdropping on our conversation.

Somewhere around dessert, one of us glanced down at her leg, only to see a piece of wet sludge slide down her calf. Closer examination revealed that it was a piece of salmon. We scanned the room to determine the origins of the fish, but only we, Mary Kate and her brunette friend were sitting on that half of the restaurant (frumpy peeper and co. had since vacated).

Not wanting to make a scene, we explained the situation to our server, who confirmed that not only did Mary Kate order the salmon, she’s well known in the food & beverage industry for her food-pelting behavior. The rest of our meal would have been incredibly awkward if she hadn’t scurried out of the restaurant (in house slippers), giggling with her friend about being “so high!” (I’m pretty sure it’s not the type of high that gives you munchies)




So, what to take away from this experience?

Pearls of Wisdom

Z: I go to this gym in Valencia (Santa Clarita Valley), and all the girls are blonde with implants.
E: Is that bad?
Z: Well, no... but they're the girlfriends of all the bald tattooed guys who drive black pickup trucks and reek of white supremamcism.

LA Guy Varietals: Part 3

In Part 3, we will explore the chum of LA’s dating pool:

Valley Boy: New Jersey is to New York City as The Valley is to Los Angeles. This analogy extends to the male specimens that emerge from these respective regions. Valley Boys are easy to spot – hair is gelled, spiky or buzzed, and clothes are 1-3 years out of date. For example, a traditional Valley Boy may still be wearing Ed Hardy, while the progressive Valley Boy will have graduated to the ubiquitous and now-passe Buffalo Plaid pattern. Also worth noting: distance from Los Angeles/proximity to the other Valleys (Simi, Santa Clarita) corresponds to an increase in probability of dirt-bike-riding (which is actually kinda hot – shhhhhh). I should disclaim that there is some room for flexibility – there are select regions of Encino, Studio City and Burbank that allow its occupants to legitimately claim residence “in The Hills.” However, as with New Jersey, there is a stigma associated with this region of Los Angeles County. As a general rule, you will lose all credibility when your male accessory – no matter how hot – reveals that he was born and raised in Pacoima.

Bottle-Buyer: The Bottle-Buyer is a guy who is not connected and/or attractive enough to gain admission into a Hollywood nightclub without the type of “help” that comes in the form of a $400 bottle of Smirnoff. Sure, most guys in Los Angeles at some point will partake in this squandering ceremony. However, the Bottle-Buyer makes a practice of it, despite being in no position for financial imprudence. The bottle-buying is a self-medicating behavior to camouflage anxiety over one’s own physical and professional inadequacy. Studies reveal that the average bottle buyer earns a mean income of $28,000, half of which is allocated towards three dozen bottles of generic vodka yearly.

Recent Hollywood-Bound Transplant: The Recent Hollywood-Bound Transplant is not to be confused with the Recent Transplant, who has moved to Los Angeles sans any entertainment-related agenda. The former has moved here with the grand vision of becoming the next Zac Efron, likely accompanied by grand delusions of his own attractiveness and talent. We’ve discussed transplant characteristics in previous posts, so I will cut to the chase and state how this relates to you. If you’re a Los Angeles native, he is an opportunist looking to capitalize on your insider knowledge. If you’re a Recent Hollywood-Bound Transplant yourself, there’s nothing you can gain from dating one of your own kind.

LA Guy Varietals: Part 2

In the second part of this survey, we will explore the “middle class” of the Los Angeles male dating pool.

Industry Up-And-Comer: The Up-And-Comer is a career-bound Angeleno – usually motivated, sometimes smart, never humble. Due to a lack of connections (an unfortunate condition that may result from circumstances of birth or recent supplanting) this individual will actually have to work for a living. However, in a city where walking Ari Emanuel’s dog makes you somebody, even a mailroom gig at William Morris is enough to elevate said individual to the middle of the dating pool. Anticipate much name-dropping.

Transplant Gone Native: In a city that rewards the strong, beautiful and vacuous, there is a shelf life for all transplants with any degree of self respect (those lacking continue to wait tables for all eternity). The Transplant Gone Native is either hot, talented, or just outright lucky enough to justify sticking around in Los Angeles, while his peers scuttle back to Topeka with tucked tail. Emboldened by budding connections within the industry and at the door of Stage 2-3 Hollywood nightclubs, the one time fresh-faced transplant will emerge from his chrysalis… an asshole.

Nerd In Limbo: The Nerd In Limbo, despite having neglected to develop any semblance of social skills or sense of style, is an individual starting to show dating potential, usually due to a guarantee of personal success. Although he lacks the attractiveness, coolness and buzzing social schedule that would land him in the top tier, the nerd should not be overlooked as a prospect, as he will be a catch… when he’s 40. In some cases, the Nerd In Limbo may even be borne of good connections, but his lack of social navigation will obstruct his background from plain sight. Hiking sandals, North Face and discreet, frameless glasses (which are the new nerd glasses, because nerd classes are the new cool glasses) may be worth enduring if you can appreciate a long-term investment.

LA Guy Varietals: Part 1

Los Angeles is a melting pot, so I can pretty much guarantee you’ll encounter a dizzying assortment of guys if you go about dating with an open mind (and if you’re attractive enough to get a date in this city).

For Part 1 of this survey, I will be covering the upper-crusty native varietals.

Industry Spawn: These are the sons of major industry players – agents, directors, producers, managers, celebrities. Usually Jewish. Although borne of the same background, Industry Spawn and Hipsters differ in that the former have embraced their industry connections, which the latter reject. While Industry Spawn have inherited strong work ethic, they have also inherited the cutthroat gene that have made their parents successful in the industry. If you can stand being around assholes, dating Industry Spawn can be an effective strategy – between his drive and connections, he is pretty much guaranteed success. And if not, date his father, who’s divorced anyway.

Hipsters: Although we’ve covered hipsters in previous posts, there are a few things worth noting about the male hipster:
1) He will be a manorexic, so if you like a meaty guy, he is not for you.
2) He will “work” in some sort of independent art genre, which will not generate any tangible cash flow. But, not to fret! He will be able to feed (well, maybe not feed – shelter, clothe, entertain) you because despite his anti-mainstream façade, he comes from money.
3) He will be more of a girl than you. Before proceeding with the Hipster, take some time to reflect on whether you’re comfortable with your friends’ constant questioning of his heterosexuality.

Rich Stoner: One amazing thing about Los Angeles is its geography – one can surf, snowboard and skate, all in the same day. Because the city is so conducive to board sports, it’s only natural that there is a sizable stoner population (boards are to weed as chocolate is to peanut butter). The quintessential stoner will live near a surf break (Malibu, Palisades, Venice) and partake in all three aforementioned sports. If living in Venice, there is a good chance that he will have converted his residence into an indoor farming facility. Even more so than Industry Spawn or Hipsters, the Rich Stoner is most likely to live off of Mommy and Daddy. Of course, you can have a Rich Stoner minus the board sports, but they will be less cool and less toned (munchies). Also, the alternative non-boarding Rich Stoner may inhabit non-coastal areas of Los Angeles in an effort to hide his stoniness, but the lack of actual employment and perpetually bloodshot eyes will be a dead giveaway.

Between all three upper crust-y native varietals, Industry Spawn has the highest probability of personal success and is therefore the most eligible. Of course, there is a chance that the Hipster could be the next Andy Warhol, but let’s be honest – the likelihood of him turning his scribbles or trash bag couture (derelict!) into a cash cow just isn’t that promising. As for Rich Stoner, if he was going to be the next Chad Muska/Shaun White/Kelly Slater, it would’ve already happened by now. However, by latching onto any one of the above well-connected, well-funded varietals, you can count on being comfortable.

Definition: Hipster

If you live in Los Angeles – or any other major city, for that matter – you’re bound to come across them. In short, they’re the “cool” counter-culture kids.

Here’s how to spot them:

Clothes: Wayfarers, nerd glasses, buffalo plaid, beyond skinny jeans (jeggings?), vintage-y shoes, fedoras, bowler hats, scarves. Frequents American Apparel/Urban Outfitters and/or spends lots of money on up-and-coming/independent designer items to pass off as “vintage.” Sometimes actually buys vintage. Clothes are generally unflattering. Most street interviews featured here are an excellent example of classic hipster style.

Body type: Skinny – all the better to rock jeggings with, m’dear. Not lithe or lean – think borderline anemic (usually a result of cigarettes and/or cocaine). Boys look like girls and vice versa. Androgyny is the key. Hair - teased, dirty and damaged. Also, I've recently noticed an abundance of Colonel Custer-style facial hair patterns amongst the male variety.

Culture: Politically – left of left. Enjoys (or maintains to) independent music, film, art, news, fashion. Looks homeless but likely lives off parentals/trust funds.

Resides/Frequents: Downtown, Silverlake and Venice. Prefers grungy, dim, cigarette-smoke-filled bars. Wouldn’t be caught dead in a dance-y club, especially one in Hollywood.

Drinks: Anything, and often.

Eats: Doesn’t.

Despite the fact that the majority of hipsters are straight up douchey, they’re actually a good crowd to be a part on in LA. The reason being, despite their homeless appearance and rejection of all things corporate or mainstream, the average hipster is spawned from an upper (or at least middle) class background. Therefore, by befriending hipsters or even infiltrating the hipster crowd, there’s a good chance that you’ll gain connections to some of the most powerful people in Los Angeles (and the industry, for all you Hollywood-bound transplants out there).

Here are a few tips on how to navigate around hipsters:

1. Never call a hipster a hipster. My friend from upstate New York made this mistake this past Saturday when he told a guy that he “looks like Q-Tip in hipster clothes.” Which was hilarious, but the hipster in question was not amused. Also, a hipster will never actually cop to being one.

2. Look bored. Make fun of others and generally act snotty.

3. If you’re Republican or even somewhere near the middle, keep it to yourself, at the risk of being tarred and feathered. Or sneered at – which, in this city, may be worse.

4. All topics of conversation must be obscure. If there’s a chance that the average person eavesdropping on your conversation would be familiar with the band/movie/designer that you’re discussing, you need to step your game up and acquaint yourself with topics that bear no relevance or connection to the real world. If aforementioned eavesdropper would suspect recent consumption of LSD or mushrooms, you’re doing a good job.

5. Smoke often, eat nothing.


Please feel free to add you own tips on how to navigate the hipster scene in the comments section.