The Day Mary Kate Olsen Attacked By Fish

On Friday night, we were celebrating a friend’s birthday with dinner at a West Hollywood eatery.

Sometime around 11pm, a waify blonde and an only slightly less waify brunette sat in the booth behind us. By now the restaurant was fairly empty, and not much fuss was made because the blonde was an Olsen, of the Mary Kate variety.

(Note: An older frumpy lady at an adjacent table “peeped” in the most conspicuous manner possible by hiding behind a pillar and craning her neck to fully experience what was probably her first celebrity sighting. This is unacceptable behavior.)

Although somewhat intrigued by the presence of fashion’s proprietor of modern grunge, we were engrossed in our own conversation. Our conversations tend to run the gamut, and in addition to your typical girly topics such as fashion, nightlife, dating status reports and our new Star Trek heartthrob (Spock, not Kirk), we are apt to cover a number of obscure topics.

Tonight, we were discussing psychology – in particular, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Sociopathy. We were startled when Mary Kate slammed her fists into her table and yelled “SOCIOPATH!!!” (hey, we were discussing personality disorders, not Tourette’s), not to mention weirded out that she had been eavesdropping on our conversation.

Somewhere around dessert, one of us glanced down at her leg, only to see a piece of wet sludge slide down her calf. Closer examination revealed that it was a piece of salmon. We scanned the room to determine the origins of the fish, but only we, Mary Kate and her brunette friend were sitting on that half of the restaurant (frumpy peeper and co. had since vacated).

Not wanting to make a scene, we explained the situation to our server, who confirmed that not only did Mary Kate order the salmon, she’s well known in the food & beverage industry for her food-pelting behavior. The rest of our meal would have been incredibly awkward if she hadn’t scurried out of the restaurant (in house slippers), giggling with her friend about being “so high!” (I’m pretty sure it’s not the type of high that gives you munchies)




So, what to take away from this experience?

Pearls of Wisdom

Z: I go to this gym in Valencia (Santa Clarita Valley), and all the girls are blonde with implants.
E: Is that bad?
Z: Well, no... but they're the girlfriends of all the bald tattooed guys who drive black pickup trucks and reek of white supremamcism.

LA Guy Varietals: Part 3

In Part 3, we will explore the chum of LA’s dating pool:

Valley Boy: New Jersey is to New York City as The Valley is to Los Angeles. This analogy extends to the male specimens that emerge from these respective regions. Valley Boys are easy to spot – hair is gelled, spiky or buzzed, and clothes are 1-3 years out of date. For example, a traditional Valley Boy may still be wearing Ed Hardy, while the progressive Valley Boy will have graduated to the ubiquitous and now-passe Buffalo Plaid pattern. Also worth noting: distance from Los Angeles/proximity to the other Valleys (Simi, Santa Clarita) corresponds to an increase in probability of dirt-bike-riding (which is actually kinda hot – shhhhhh). I should disclaim that there is some room for flexibility – there are select regions of Encino, Studio City and Burbank that allow its occupants to legitimately claim residence “in The Hills.” However, as with New Jersey, there is a stigma associated with this region of Los Angeles County. As a general rule, you will lose all credibility when your male accessory – no matter how hot – reveals that he was born and raised in Pacoima.

Bottle-Buyer: The Bottle-Buyer is a guy who is not connected and/or attractive enough to gain admission into a Hollywood nightclub without the type of “help” that comes in the form of a $400 bottle of Smirnoff. Sure, most guys in Los Angeles at some point will partake in this squandering ceremony. However, the Bottle-Buyer makes a practice of it, despite being in no position for financial imprudence. The bottle-buying is a self-medicating behavior to camouflage anxiety over one’s own physical and professional inadequacy. Studies reveal that the average bottle buyer earns a mean income of $28,000, half of which is allocated towards three dozen bottles of generic vodka yearly.

Recent Hollywood-Bound Transplant: The Recent Hollywood-Bound Transplant is not to be confused with the Recent Transplant, who has moved to Los Angeles sans any entertainment-related agenda. The former has moved here with the grand vision of becoming the next Zac Efron, likely accompanied by grand delusions of his own attractiveness and talent. We’ve discussed transplant characteristics in previous posts, so I will cut to the chase and state how this relates to you. If you’re a Los Angeles native, he is an opportunist looking to capitalize on your insider knowledge. If you’re a Recent Hollywood-Bound Transplant yourself, there’s nothing you can gain from dating one of your own kind.

LA Guy Varietals: Part 2

In the second part of this survey, we will explore the “middle class” of the Los Angeles male dating pool.

Industry Up-And-Comer: The Up-And-Comer is a career-bound Angeleno – usually motivated, sometimes smart, never humble. Due to a lack of connections (an unfortunate condition that may result from circumstances of birth or recent supplanting) this individual will actually have to work for a living. However, in a city where walking Ari Emanuel’s dog makes you somebody, even a mailroom gig at William Morris is enough to elevate said individual to the middle of the dating pool. Anticipate much name-dropping.

Transplant Gone Native: In a city that rewards the strong, beautiful and vacuous, there is a shelf life for all transplants with any degree of self respect (those lacking continue to wait tables for all eternity). The Transplant Gone Native is either hot, talented, or just outright lucky enough to justify sticking around in Los Angeles, while his peers scuttle back to Topeka with tucked tail. Emboldened by budding connections within the industry and at the door of Stage 2-3 Hollywood nightclubs, the one time fresh-faced transplant will emerge from his chrysalis… an asshole.

Nerd In Limbo: The Nerd In Limbo, despite having neglected to develop any semblance of social skills or sense of style, is an individual starting to show dating potential, usually due to a guarantee of personal success. Although he lacks the attractiveness, coolness and buzzing social schedule that would land him in the top tier, the nerd should not be overlooked as a prospect, as he will be a catch… when he’s 40. In some cases, the Nerd In Limbo may even be borne of good connections, but his lack of social navigation will obstruct his background from plain sight. Hiking sandals, North Face and discreet, frameless glasses (which are the new nerd glasses, because nerd classes are the new cool glasses) may be worth enduring if you can appreciate a long-term investment.

LA Guy Varietals: Part 1

Los Angeles is a melting pot, so I can pretty much guarantee you’ll encounter a dizzying assortment of guys if you go about dating with an open mind (and if you’re attractive enough to get a date in this city).

For Part 1 of this survey, I will be covering the upper-crusty native varietals.

Industry Spawn: These are the sons of major industry players – agents, directors, producers, managers, celebrities. Usually Jewish. Although borne of the same background, Industry Spawn and Hipsters differ in that the former have embraced their industry connections, which the latter reject. While Industry Spawn have inherited strong work ethic, they have also inherited the cutthroat gene that have made their parents successful in the industry. If you can stand being around assholes, dating Industry Spawn can be an effective strategy – between his drive and connections, he is pretty much guaranteed success. And if not, date his father, who’s divorced anyway.

Hipsters: Although we’ve covered hipsters in previous posts, there are a few things worth noting about the male hipster:
1) He will be a manorexic, so if you like a meaty guy, he is not for you.
2) He will “work” in some sort of independent art genre, which will not generate any tangible cash flow. But, not to fret! He will be able to feed (well, maybe not feed – shelter, clothe, entertain) you because despite his anti-mainstream façade, he comes from money.
3) He will be more of a girl than you. Before proceeding with the Hipster, take some time to reflect on whether you’re comfortable with your friends’ constant questioning of his heterosexuality.

Rich Stoner: One amazing thing about Los Angeles is its geography – one can surf, snowboard and skate, all in the same day. Because the city is so conducive to board sports, it’s only natural that there is a sizable stoner population (boards are to weed as chocolate is to peanut butter). The quintessential stoner will live near a surf break (Malibu, Palisades, Venice) and partake in all three aforementioned sports. If living in Venice, there is a good chance that he will have converted his residence into an indoor farming facility. Even more so than Industry Spawn or Hipsters, the Rich Stoner is most likely to live off of Mommy and Daddy. Of course, you can have a Rich Stoner minus the board sports, but they will be less cool and less toned (munchies). Also, the alternative non-boarding Rich Stoner may inhabit non-coastal areas of Los Angeles in an effort to hide his stoniness, but the lack of actual employment and perpetually bloodshot eyes will be a dead giveaway.

Between all three upper crust-y native varietals, Industry Spawn has the highest probability of personal success and is therefore the most eligible. Of course, there is a chance that the Hipster could be the next Andy Warhol, but let’s be honest – the likelihood of him turning his scribbles or trash bag couture (derelict!) into a cash cow just isn’t that promising. As for Rich Stoner, if he was going to be the next Chad Muska/Shaun White/Kelly Slater, it would’ve already happened by now. However, by latching onto any one of the above well-connected, well-funded varietals, you can count on being comfortable.

Definition: Hipster

If you live in Los Angeles – or any other major city, for that matter – you’re bound to come across them. In short, they’re the “cool” counter-culture kids.

Here’s how to spot them:

Clothes: Wayfarers, nerd glasses, buffalo plaid, beyond skinny jeans (jeggings?), vintage-y shoes, fedoras, bowler hats, scarves. Frequents American Apparel/Urban Outfitters and/or spends lots of money on up-and-coming/independent designer items to pass off as “vintage.” Sometimes actually buys vintage. Clothes are generally unflattering. Most street interviews featured here are an excellent example of classic hipster style.

Body type: Skinny – all the better to rock jeggings with, m’dear. Not lithe or lean – think borderline anemic (usually a result of cigarettes and/or cocaine). Boys look like girls and vice versa. Androgyny is the key. Hair - teased, dirty and damaged. Also, I've recently noticed an abundance of Colonel Custer-style facial hair patterns amongst the male variety.

Culture: Politically – left of left. Enjoys (or maintains to) independent music, film, art, news, fashion. Looks homeless but likely lives off parentals/trust funds.

Resides/Frequents: Downtown, Silverlake and Venice. Prefers grungy, dim, cigarette-smoke-filled bars. Wouldn’t be caught dead in a dance-y club, especially one in Hollywood.

Drinks: Anything, and often.

Eats: Doesn’t.

Despite the fact that the majority of hipsters are straight up douchey, they’re actually a good crowd to be a part on in LA. The reason being, despite their homeless appearance and rejection of all things corporate or mainstream, the average hipster is spawned from an upper (or at least middle) class background. Therefore, by befriending hipsters or even infiltrating the hipster crowd, there’s a good chance that you’ll gain connections to some of the most powerful people in Los Angeles (and the industry, for all you Hollywood-bound transplants out there).

Here are a few tips on how to navigate around hipsters:

1. Never call a hipster a hipster. My friend from upstate New York made this mistake this past Saturday when he told a guy that he “looks like Q-Tip in hipster clothes.” Which was hilarious, but the hipster in question was not amused. Also, a hipster will never actually cop to being one.

2. Look bored. Make fun of others and generally act snotty.

3. If you’re Republican or even somewhere near the middle, keep it to yourself, at the risk of being tarred and feathered. Or sneered at – which, in this city, may be worse.

4. All topics of conversation must be obscure. If there’s a chance that the average person eavesdropping on your conversation would be familiar with the band/movie/designer that you’re discussing, you need to step your game up and acquaint yourself with topics that bear no relevance or connection to the real world. If aforementioned eavesdropper would suspect recent consumption of LSD or mushrooms, you’re doing a good job.

5. Smoke often, eat nothing.


Please feel free to add you own tips on how to navigate the hipster scene in the comments section.

Fashion & Beauty: The Blonde Experiment

I’ll admit it. Sometimes I succumb to this city’s expectations. Usually, I do it in a self-deprecating or ironic way – or so I tell myself. Example: a few weeks ago, I went to a Stage 3 club in Hollywood. I was reluctant (I swear!), but my friend was very persistent (I swear!) and a friend from college was coming out, whom I hadn’t seen in a while (I swear). Anyway, I decided to dress the part and don the sluttiest dress in my closet: a short, gold number with a deep v-neck that left no room for no modesty – or bra. (Wouldn’t you know, I was one of the more conservatively dressed females in the establishment that night)

Similarly, I recently decided to play the part of LA girl and lighten my hair. It’s naturally very dark, almost black. I was aiming for a medium brown with some sandy caramel-hued highlights. You can only imagine my horror when the new color was unveiled, and the mop was closer to Anne of Green Gables than Jessica Alba. Half of me wanted to dye it black again and forget about the mishap, but I ultimately decided to take the plunge with some true-blonde highlights. Surprisingly, my gamble paid off, and I ended up with a golden dirty blonde on top and a medium brown underneath, kind of like I’d been surfing all day and my hair had been bleached out by the sun. Except for the fact that my skin is olive-toned, so the hair wasn’t believable at all.
…

Anyway.

When I went to work the next morning, it was painfully obvious that my new look was not well received. Mostly, people didn’t say anything, and my hair’s transformation from black to blonde-ish was the pink elephant in the office that day. Although I was starting to regret my decision, a group of my most stylish girlfriends assured me it looked fine.

Then, things changed – almost overnight, I started getting more attention. I’m no bombshell (though not plain either; my look would best be described as unconventional/exotic), but I started drawing double takes on the regular, even when I ventured out in sweats. At first, I wasn’t sure if it was the discrepancy between my olive skin and blonde-ish hair that was puzzling and causing stares. But as I pondered the statistically significant increase in the volume of guys approaching me out of nowhere to say “hello” or strike up random conversation, it became apparent that I was having much better luck with the fellas as a (sort of) blonde.

What can be concluded from my experiment? Well, it turns out that gentlemen really do prefer blondes, at least in this city.

So –

Regardless of whether your skin tone is closer to Naomi Campbell than Naomi Watts, dye your hair blonde now. And if you’re lucky enough to be naturally blonde, well, keep tanning and not eating. You know what they say – When in Rome…














(Anne of Green Gables)

Definition: Transplant

“Transplant” is used to loosely define any person who is not a Los Angeles native and has only recently moved here.

After 10 years or so of living in Los Angeles, one may become eligible to repudiate one’s transplant status. It all depends on said person’s goals and level of accomplishment.

If you’re reading this to pick up tips on how to get by in this city, there’s a good chance you’re a transplant. You’re probably a nice person too, so I hope you’re not (too) offended.

Being that Los Angeles is the world’s entertainment hub, it’s no surprise that people flock here to make it big in the industry. As a result, most of the people populating the city aren’t actually from here – thus, “transplants.” Although the majority of transplants are here for the entertainment industry, people move here for other reasons: the amazing weather, the amazing geography, um…

Yeah, pretty much just the weather and the geography (beach/snow/desert/mountains all nearby) are the only other reasons you’d supplant yourself to move here.

The word “transplant” by definition itself does not have a negative connotation. However, its frequent overlap with the actor wannabe type results in the term often being accompanied by a disparaging tone. Maybe a Venn diagram will help illustrate:

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the industry (besides its uncanny ability to rob individuals of their souls). It’s just that- out of the millions trying to make it, how many will actually succeed? If you have a genuine passion for acting, accompanied by good work ethic, a well researched plan of action and a solid Plan B, then I have the utmost respect for you. But it’s the types that move out here on a whim (because it would be totally awesome to be the next Brad Pitt, or because acting seems like such an easy way of life, or just because the transplant in question is an attention whore whose narcissism needs feeding) that makes me and all other Angelenos shake our heads.

Los Angeles 101: Hollywood

I think a lot of people get the wrong idea about LA. I really think it has a lot to do with shows like The Hills, Sunset Tan, etc. You have to remember that these shows are about transplants, people who moved here, typically to pursue careers in entertainment. I hope the term doesn't offend, because I use it liberally. It is what it is.

I don't know any Los Angeles natives who are crazy about Hollywood. Going to H-Wood, My House or whatever Hollywood club that was most recently featured in The Hills, if anything, is considered lame. I think the “cool” LA kids like to think they are anti-scene (think: hipster). Which is ironic, because you’re buying a $500 shirt at Fred Segal to make yourself look like a bum.

…but I digress
I’m not saying that I NEVER go out in Hollywood. Sometimes a friend convinces me to come out, with a promise of good music and no waiting/drama at the door. Once inside, I usually find that the majority of party-goers are not from LA. Mostly, they’re transplants trying to meet somebody of importance or chasing the scene. There might be a small window of coolness before the club blows up, but it’s a fine line between being in the know and just being lame.

Here’s the cycle:

Stage 1: Pre-Blow Up
Your friend, who is Ryan Gosling’s agent’s first assistant’s assistant, mentions that he might be DJing there mid-week (yes, using the Green Door example). You’re a little sketch on going, because you’ve never even heard of the place, plus it’s a week night. If you’re the type of person who prides themselves on being a trendy party-goer, GO NOW. Because, pretty soon…

Stage 2: Hot Spot
Your friend was right, and Ryan Gosling DJs. Within the hour, it’s all over TMZ, Perez and PopSugar. The club blows up overnight, and now you’re reading about “celebrities” (quotes imply reality TV stars and untalented party girls with famous parents) frequenting. It’s already too late, because to get in you’ll either

1) Act and dress slutty at the door with a gaggle of your hottest girlfriends. Once you’re inside, nobody of any importance will take you seriously because you’re clearly a transplant-wannabe-piece of meat, OR
2) Act and dress slutty and affix yourself to some guy(s) who is insecure enough that he’ll buy two bottles of generic vodka for $400 apiece, just so that he can say he partied at said spot. And then you’ll be stuck with his lame ass all night, OR
3) Have legitimate connections/cred and get in with ease.

If you succeed with #1 or #2, you’ll feel cheap for having basically bartered yourself for faux cool. If you fail, you will become depressed about not being hot enough to cut it in this city. If #3, you know what you’re doing, in which case you’re reading this for amusement, and not because you want my perspective.

Stage 3: Hollywood Trash Can
At this point, the club/bar/lounge has outlived its hype and is on the decline. The Hollywood Trash – cheaper, newer to the city, less connected – frequent the spot. If you’re a decent looking girl showing at least a little skin, you’ll get in. Once in, you’ll have to battle swarms of orange-hued girls in knockoff Herve Leger bandage dresses (or worse, the 2006-era sack dress/tunic), only to be hit on by spiky haired douchebags in Ed Hardy or tight t-shirts printed with any of the following: tattoo motifs, fleur de lys, angel wings, crosses.

So, in summary, if you want to be one of the “cool kids” in LA, don’t frequent those spots that you think are happening or trendy. They’re probably not.

Your Los Angeles Survival Guide

Los Angeles is rough. It has the ability to annihilate one’s self esteem. I’ve seen pretty, smart, fun girls start believing they are worthless.

So, what qualifies me to opine? For all intents and purposes, I am a native Angeleno. Nothing can substitute for actually growing up in this madhouse of a city. I'd like to share my insider perspective and offer tips on how to survive this city.

Some of my vital stats:

- I hail from the Los Angeles prep school crowd. The constituency is different from the prep scene elsewhere. Rather than socialites, fringe royalty, etc., it's skewed towards new money - actors, agents, entertainment execs, real estate moguls... and their kids, the people I grew up amongst.

- I've been called a party girl. I don’t know if I wholly agree, but since so many people label me as such, I guess it must be at least partly true.

- My life is completely random and beyond busy. Any given week will likely consist of the following: Work, Sports, Travel, Dining, Parties. Usually, I barely have time to breathe, let alone sleep, between activities, but there's so much to do in so little time!

I’ll be musing about a variety of LA-related topics in coming posts… so stay tuned!